The good news for us is that there are lots of pictures to laugh at.
#8. She Blinded Me With Fashion
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then avant garde designers are architects of atheist dungeons. Every one of them has come up with at least 10 ways to obstruct their models' eyesight. It's almost like they're in a secret Beautiful Blindness Olympics and their models are the contestants. It's not enough to just wrap a scarf around a woman's head like she's the Invisible Man trying to make a discreet getaway:
Any moron with a set of knitting needles and a disregard for human dignity can accomplish a complete head wrap. It takes imagination to only obscure the eyes in the most interesting way possible. For example, American designer Rick Owens used his model's own hair to create a reverse hair burka, or "hurka."
Apparently the designer ran with that moment when you're walking down the street and a hurricane hits you in the face. What ordinary humans would see as an awkward faux pas, fashion journalists saw as "compelling" and "otherworldly." So maybe the joke's on us because we place too high a premium on the gift of sight. Belgian designer Martin Margiela came up with multiple ways to prevent his models from seeing where they were walking. One was a rigging so cumbersome that it had to be rolled out onto the catwalk, and it featured a model who possessed either a backward head or the curse of hirsutism.
Every other model in the show looked like she was almost cast in The Ring but didn't quite make the cut. You know how some people laugh when they're scared? The audience at this fashion show could have been mistaken for a Def Comedy Jam crowd.
But even Margiela can't compare with Lutz Huelle's Fringe Attack of a Jacket. If it were possible for a blazer to drink hair tonic from a Bugs Bunny cartoon, this is what you'd get. Seconds after this picture was taken, the fringe consumed her, then took over the rest of the room before turning on itself.
Not only does the model look like an alternate reality's version of a sassy Western cowboy, but her point of view must have resembled a scene from The Shining. Would you want to make eye contact while your world is dripping with red fringe? Probably not.
#7. The Completely Serious Hula Hoop Purse
Either this woman is straddling two worlds that are only accessible by a magical yet chic portal, or she is definitely carrying a purse made of hula hoops. I suspect the latter. Designer Karl Lagerfeld tried to play it off like a beach tote, complete with the sunglasses and bathing suit and strappy patent leather heels we all wear when going to the beach, but you and I know better. Hula hoops are heavy. Hula hoops plus towels plus an entire watermelon (another beach staple) would be impossible. I don't know what fantasy world you're living in, Mr. Lagerfeld, but in the real world, we make our beach bags out of old grocery bags and tiny, manageable portals to other worlds.
The best thing about this purse is picturing someone living her day-to-day life trying to use it. For example, what would it look like if a regular person used this purse while trying to send a fax at Staples?
#6. The Dress That's a Plumber's Nightmare
Some fashion designers are all about complementing a woman's body. Others want to use the body as a canvas for art. Dutch designer Iris van Herpen is interested in neither prospect when it comes to making dresses. She asks herself questions like "Is this garment Bond-villainy enough?" and "What would it look like if you fell into a snake pit and then time froze and you were stuck like that?" and "Is it time for shellacked turds to get their own dress?" For Iris van Herpen and Bjork, it's always Turd Dress O'Clock.
If you've ever worried that your clothes will begin writhing up into your face and choke you, consider not buying this garment. If you take hallucinogenic drugs, this dress should be on your "no" list. If you've ever imagined yourself as Queen of the Giant Earthworms or wanted to wear Medusa's head for clothes, this is the dress for you. Bonus: The dress can also double as a walking maze.
#5. The Pinata Poncho
Poor, poor stoic man-model. Surely when he signed up for modeling school, he had no idea that one day a Flemish designer would stuff him in an Easter egg pinata and make him walk in front of people. He was just a little boy in a model classroom, learning how to pout and avoid bread and wear silly clothes without crying. Now look at him. He's nothing more than a floating head presiding over a psychedelic mop orgy. The saddest part is that immediately after this show, the model wandered into a child's birthday party and met a grisly fate.
Jeffrey Coolidge
There will never be anything in
your life as frightening and demanding as becoming a parent. If you
haven't had a child yet, every mom and dad reading this article will
back me up when I say "You are not prepared" in my creepy Diablo III voice.
That is, until you have children beyond the first one. In that case,
all of us look back on our first attempts at raising a child and laugh
until we pass out from lack of oxygen. Virtually all of us go through
it; it's nothing to be ashamed of. But eventually, we look back and
realize that we all made the same common mistakes, like ...
#5. Not Giving the Kid Enough Space
Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
The First Child
In the early stages of parenthood, this is mostly associated with the
debate on whether you should let them "cry it out." Look, I'll be
perfectly honest here ... I don't give a crap how long you let your baby
cry, as long as I'm not in the house while it's going on. A baby's cry
is nature's car alarm, designed specifically to alert a parent that
there is something that needs to be taken care of. "I'm hungry" or "I
just shit my pants" or "Hey, a bear is attacking me." It's a primal
alert system that has worked for millions of years, long before diaper
rash creams and teething gel ever existed. I've never known a criminal
whose actions could be traced back to the amount of time he or she was
left crying in the crib -- that's for you, your doctor, and your
instincts to work out. But ...
"Space" takes on a whole different, extremely important meaning when
they're old enough to grasp the idea of entertainment. The problem with
new parents (myself included) is that they want to spend every waking
second with their child, participating in their games, playing pretend
with them, and monitoring their every action to make sure they're not
doing something stupid like eating a knife. And that's fine to a certain
degree. But if you let it go on long enough without giving them some
space, they will learn very quickly that the only way they can have fun
is if you are involved.
Jupiterimages/Creatas/Getty Images"I dunno, let's just get drunk or something. This sucks."
But After That, You Realize ...
That is an absolute disaster for an adult because it is physically
impossible for us to put the rest of our lives on hold in order to make
sure our child never experiences simple boredom. Learning that Mom and
Dad aren't going to be there with them every second of the day is one of
the most important lessons they can learn right out of the gates.
Giving them alone time, even when their restlessness has turned them
into whiny pieces of shit, will trigger their creative side, because now
they have to find something to do without an adult showing
them how. This is how all artists and hobbies are born. And some
government agencies.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images"Goddammit, leave me alone. Would you just go find something to do? Wait, why are you crying?"
When they're older, it gets scarier. For instance, I have never had a
problem with my kids having their friends over for the weekend, but for
the longest time, I wouldn't let them stay at someone else's house. It
was my overprotective side kicking in, and I didn't realize that it was
sending a very clear message to both my kids and their friends' parents
that said, "I don't trust you to not die when I'm not around."
It's so hard to remember that your core job as a parent is training
them to survive on their own, and in order to do that, you absolutely
have to start giving that leash some slack. No, it doesn't mean that you
have to let a 7-year-old run all over town without an adult, but it
does mean that if you need a break, you damn well deserve to take it,
and your kid isn't going to be traumatized into a murderous rampage by
it. In fact, they'll benefit from it.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images"No, you go ahead and take your break. I'll be waiting right here. Waiting ... and plotting."
If you're not careful with this, you could very easily end up ...
#4. Letting the Child Affect Your Marriage (and Vice Versa)
David De Lossy/Photodisc/Getty Images
The First Child
I can't even begin to tell you how many marriages I've seen break
down into petty bickering and ugly bile because the new parents went to
the extreme of devoting 100 percent of their attention to the child. In
every case, one of the parents ends up feeling resentment for the other
because of that void, while the other feels resentment in return because
the first person appears needy and just keeps getting in the way.
And no, it's not just a case of "My genitals need to be slapped around." It's about inclusion and acknowledgement.
Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images"Why don't you tell that fuckhead behind you to stop being such a sulky pussy?"
But After That, You Realize ...
Yes, the child deserves to have two happy parents working in
conjunction in order to make her life more comfortable and stress-free
... but equally as important is that you also deserve that same benefit.
And that means taking some time for you and your partner.
Unfortunately, that lack of connection is extremely common, because no
new parent is comfortable leaving their kid alone with a babysitter for
the first time. We feel like any time away from the baby makes us
neglectful, and all we can picture when we're away is the sitter
laughing maniacally while she flame-throwers our house and punts our
child around the room like a soccer ball.
That line of thinking is horseshit. In order to make this work, you
absolutely have to remember that romance is an actual part of your
relationship. It's hard. When you have a child, your entire life turns
into work and chores. Everything feels clinical because you feel like
the slightest misstep could spell disaster. So what happens is that you
end up neglecting things like dates -- or, hell, even an hour's break to
just get out and call attention to the fact that you are emotionally
committed to this person and that they are just as important as the child.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images"Yeah? Well, I love you, too, you stupid whore!"
Ignoring that is an excellent way to start a pattern of resentment
and anger, and that's when the fighting begins. You cannot let that
happen in front of the child, no matter what their age. I found this out
firsthand back when I used to let my temper run rampant and unchecked.
No, young children can't understand what you're saying, but they can
sure as hell understand the tone and volume of your voice. And the last
thing you want as a parent is for your children to learn from an early
age that you are to be feared, because that destroys the bond of trust.
Instead of opening themselves up to you, they learn to keep a safe
distance, holding back anything that they think might trigger your crazy
voice. "My dad is a fucking psychopath" is not an acceptable first
impression.
Of course, when you have your second child, you look back on that and
think, "No shit. I'm taking every opportunity to get out of this house
and take a break. Otherwise, I'm going to pull my hair out. Hey, Fuck
Partner, take me out to eat and then rub your floppy parts on me."
Polka Dot Images/Polka Dot/Getty Images"Tonight, it's just you and me. Don't even think about our fun-ruining piece of shit son."
#3. Comparing Your Kids to Other People's
Cameron Spencer/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The First Child
My first son had what Thomas Sowell called Einstein syndrome,
meaning that his speech developed very late, even though his math and
science skills were far above average for his age. Of course, at the
time, I didn't know that was even a thing, so we were really afraid he
had a mental disability. Mostly because we had the bad habit of
comparing him to our friends' children, who all seemed to be prodigies
of language.
He was also a klutz. He loved playing under the dining room table,
and no matter how many times he stood up and slammed his head into the
underside, he never learned the lesson of "head plus wood equals pain."
We just assumed he was an idiot.
Polka Dot Images/Polka Dot/Getty ImagesLook at that dumbass. He doesn't even know he's there.
But After That, You Realize ...
Kids are individuals, and they develop mentally and physically at
different rates. It's a fact of life that seems like such common sense
when you don't have children, but when you become a parent, it just
flies right out the window. We want our kids to be "normal," but we
forget what a loose term that is. Here, let me show you an example:
Can your 8-year-old play a guitar like that? Don't worry, it doesn't
mean he's not talented if he can't. And by comparison, it doesn't mean
that he's a genius if his math scores are in the top 10 percent of his
school. So shut up about how fucking smart your kid is. Different minds,
different circumstances. It's why so many talented high school athletes
end up disappointed that they weren't good enough to make it to a college team, let alone play professionally. Or why 16 percent of teenagers will be coldly obliterated
when they don't achieve their 1-in-30-million shot of becoming famous.
They see other "undeserving" people making a living on TV, and they
think, "I'm definitely better than that. This will be easy." They're
only half right, but the half that isn't will feel like someone just
walked up and ripped their ego's dick clean off.
It's just as dangerous for the parents, though, because it creates
unrealistic expectations of their meat-spawn. By comparing them to other
kids, they're setting the bar either way too high or way too low,
instead of adjusting that bar to the child's abilities. And when the
little bastards don't live up to those false expectations, the parents
think there is something wrong with them ("them" could mean either the
children or the parents). This is especially dangerous in a house with
multiple children because it can trigger sibling rivalries, and then everything just goes to shit.
Jupiterimages/BananaStock/Getty Images"Oh my God, she filled it with broken glass!"
It's something you have to recognize with a sense of urgency: Nope,
they're not the same as other kids. Just like you're not the same as any
other human you know. They, just like you, are going to excel in areas
where others don't. And sometimes, other kids will have abilities and
traits that make your kid look like a philandering moron. And if your
child has reached the age where he understands basic conversation, he is
going to take your comparisons as "You're not good enough."
But, seriously, if your kids can't play guitar like that, they are pieces of shit and deserve to be abandoned.
#6.
Imperial Stormtroopers
Who Are They?
Soldiers of the Galactic Empire, as featured in the Star Wars franchise.
Why Were They Feared?
Stormtroopers started out strong. The way they stormed that Rebel blockade runner in Star Wars was pretty sweet. And the way they overran that Rebel base in The Empire Strikes Back was the epitome of cool (OK, so they let most of the rebels escape from Cloud City, but the rebels had inside help from known scoundrel Lando Calrissian, so we could let it slide). By that point, it seemed like Stormtroopers could do no wrong. But then something happened, something... awful.
Pictured: something awful.
What Went Wrong?
After convincing us that they were the baddest asses in henchmen history, Stormtroopers suddenly went all France on us. Somehow, a frigging army of Stormtroopers was outwitted, outmaneuvered and just plain outfought by a bunch of overgrown merkins whose most advanced weaponry was flint-tipped arrows. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that these weren't just any Stormtroopers. No, these were, in the Emperor's own words, his best troops, for fuck's sake.
Who were his worst troops.
Of course, no one wanted the Stormtroopers to win. Yes, we loved them the way only impressionable adolescents can love something, but we knew they were evil, and we wanted them to get their comeuppance in the end. But not like this. Losing as ignominiously as they did on Endor didn't just diminish the villains, it also diminished the heroic men and women who defeated them.
A Typical Stormtrooper's Last Thought:
"I can't see a thing in this helmet!"
#5.
Cylon Centurions
Who Are They?
Robotic soldiers of the genocidal Cylon Empire, as seen in the original Battlestar Galactica and its spin-off, Galactica 1980.
Why Were They Feared?
Battlestar Galactica had its share of problems, including a monkey playing a dog, epic re-use of special effects footage and subversive Mormon overtones. The clear highlight of the whole enterprise was the Cylons, especially the Centurions, the cycloptic rank and file of the mighty Cylon Empire. And yet, the Centurions had their own share of problems. They were slow, they were clumsy, they were terrible shots, they were even worse pilots (and that's with three of them piloting each Cylon Raider) and, for some inexplicable reason, they were armed with swords. Swords, for fuck's sake.
"I'm not steering until he apologizes."
"You know we're crashing, right?"
But Centurions did have one thing going for them: they were unapologetically robotic. Up until then, most film and TV robots were little more than human surrogates, with personalities or character traits to which actual humans could relate, but there was nothing human about Centurions, no hint of humanity in that monotone voice. They were programmed to kill humans, and so they killed humans and that was that. And so what if they were slow and plodding? In a human, being slow and plodding makes you boring. But in a robot, being slow and plodding makes you a relentless mechanical menace. Plus, they were real shiny.
What Went Wrong?
But then, in the very last episode, Centurions went soft on us. In that episode, Starbuck and a Raider full of Centurions both crash land on a desolate planet. Bored, Starbuck rebuilds one of the Centurions for company. At first, the Centurion tries to kill Starbuck (yay!), but then Starbuck gives it a name (Cy, of course) and teaches it to play cards, whereupon its cold mechanical heart thaws and man and robot become the best of friends! Later, when more Centurions arrive, Cy sacrifices itself to save the life of Starbuck's son (don't ask), thereby ending its days as just another robotic Uncle Tom.
A Typical Centurion's Last Thought
"A sword? Seriously, a sword?! How did robot technology beat out weapon technology in the race to the finish line?"
#4.
SPECTRE Henchmen
Who Are They?
Agents of the Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (SPECTRE), an international crime syndicate, as seen in the early James Bond films.
Why Were They Feared?
SPECTRE henchmen are different: they don't wear masks or armor or colorful thematic costumes. Instead, their menace comes from their characterization, as with Dr. No (Dr. No), an evil genius with bionic hands; Red Grant (From Russia With Love), an Aryan superman whose only weakness is wine appreciation; and Emilio Largo (Thunderball), a swarthy dude with an eyepatch and an honest-to-goodness shark pool in his backyard. Admittedly, Bond killed them all in the end, but Bond was the epitome of 60s cool, so it wasn't so bad.
If he was any cooler, just looking at him would make your scrotum shrivel.
What Went Wrong?
But then the unthinkable happened: Sean Connery quit, and the producers hired George Lazenby to take his place. And in his one and only outing as Bond in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lazenby thoroughly demolished the Bond mystique. First, he chucked Bond's swinging über-bachelor lifestyle in order to settle down and get married; later, on the hunt for his wife's killer (*spoiler alert*), he slipped into a sporran and went undercover as a genealogist, of all things; and, finally, he caught up with his foe just in time for what one Wikipedia editor implausibly describes as "...a furious bobsled chase down Piz Gloria." Now, there's dignity in being killed by a suave super-spy, but there's no dignity whatsoever in being killed by this guy:
The producers tried to undo the damage--they even rehired Sean Connery to reprise the role--but it was too late, SPECTRE's once-sterling reputation was ruined. Clearly, no henchman worth his salt wanted anything to do with SPECTRE anymore.
A Typical SPECTRE Henchman's Last Thought
"Red wine with fish? What the Hell was I thinking? Dammit, I deserve to die."
5 Movie Monsters Ripped from the Pages of History Books
#5. The Demon King
The Byzantine empire was the Matrix: Revolutions of Roman empires: It made a ton of money and stopped some big invasions but wasn't much to talk about. (Also, Keanu Reeves was there.)Michael IV ruled from 1034 to 1041. He was a peasant who fell in love with the empress (aw, that's sweet), even though she was married (aw, that's ... really not smart). Since Empress Zoe was the previous emperor's daughter, her husband, Romanos III, feared losing both his wife and his throne. The emperor asked Michael to swear on holy relics that there were no shenanigans going on, which he did. Silly Romanos! A peasant with the stones to ball the friggin' emperor's wife probably isn't afraid to break a sanctified pinkie swear.
Sure enough, in April of 1034, Romanos III was found dead in the tub. Cause unknown, but, y'know, not that unknown. Especially since Michael and Zoe were married the same day.
The new emperor, Michael, bribed the patriarch into properly crowning him, adding to his lousy reputation as a counterfeiter, adulterer, and regicidal boy toy. That's when Michael began bleating like a sheep, moving in erratic jerks, and hurting himself ... all things you might recognize from that exorcism movie that gets remade with a new title every year.
Screen Gems, Lionsgate, Warner Bros., Paramount
What was it called again? The Demon Be-gonner Guy?
HBOIt's often said that for every beautiful woman there's a guy who's bored of screwing her after he's murdered her husband and stolen her kingdom. Michael was that guy. Ignoring his adoring cougar wife, he struggled to rule amid epileptic fits. And just like all those crappy exorcism movies, epilepsy explains pretty much everything about this story.
#4. The Werewolf's Last Confession
Peter Stumpp had many aliases, which is weird, considering that he was pretty conspicuous (he was missing his left hand). Oh, and also because all of his crimes were committed in wolf form. How many canines do you know with alternate identities?Now, witch and werewolf trials were pretty common in Germany in 1589, due to it being Germany in 1589. The only things to do at the time were farm, worship the devil, and make either sausage or war. Clearly, Stumpp was a big fan of those first three. But it was the brutal manner of his execution that put this story on the front page of the Syphilitic Holsteiner Gazette.
When caught and pressed, Stumpp admitted to eating livestock and at least 14 kids (including his own son), two pregnant women, and sundry German maidens.
Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty ImagesNot a fun guy at parties.
Stumpp perpetrated his crimes on countless victims for 25 years by exploiting the "killer in the woods" cliche. He practically invented Jason Voorhees' patented shtick, including the bit about waiting for the rest of the stupid teenagers to split up and go looking for their missing friend. But one day some hunters got the belt off of Stumpp, and then it was time for old-timey German country justice, as seen in this creepy paper animation:
The Boring Reality
What if I told you that people don't actually turn into werewolves?
Stumpp was a Protestant in a part of Germany that had recently been returned to Catholic control. Torturing a fellow Christian, even a heretic, could be a dodgy proposition to explain before the Lord, but a Satan worshiper guilty of the worst crimes -- ah! That's doing God's work. Basically, the new ruler of the region made a bloody example of him.
But Stumpp confessed to prosecutors, right? More like persecutors -- people give false confessions all the time, especially while you're torturing them. And even if you don't confess, what's to stop them from saying you did? If you're still not convinced that Stumpp's conviction wasn't on the level, his mistress and daughter (who were known to be of good character, save for that whole Protestant thing) were also tortured, flayed, strangled, and burned.
It would be 400 years before Germany finally settled down and took up much more acceptable hobbies, like fascism and coprophilia.
#3. The Rebel Vampire
In the early 1700s, Serbian peasant Arnold Paole fought against the Ottomans as a hajduk -- a term that meant either "highway bandit" or "freedom fighter."Returning home from the war in Turkish Serbia, Paole had a great life waiting for him: a new patch of farmland ready for plowing, an eager new wife ready for plowing, and a hero's welcome from his town, which hopefully also involved plentiful plowing.
But something wasn't right with young Paole. He had ... changed. Neighbors noted his now gloomy demeanor. Of course, this being a rational period in history like rural 18th century Eastern Europe, everybody chalked it up to PTSD and worried no more. So imagine how unsettled they were to hear Paole's explanation: He had been attacked by a vampire.
According to Paole, he managed to slay the vampire, but sustained a nasty wound in the process. He made the mistake of trying to inoculate himself from vampirism by rubbing his foe's blood in his wound and eating soil from its grave. Come on, man, everybody knows you're supposed to eat the blood and rub the soil. What is this, your first vampire rodeo?
Astonishingly, villagers did not run to get their pitchforks, and Paole lived out the rest of his days in gloomy peace -- which in this case was literally just days. He fell from a hay wagon in the stupidest death any vampire ever suffered. What's a wagon's top speed? 5 mph? Geez, even toddlers and hemophiliacs laugh off a wagon fall, Your Dark Majesty. So the villagers buried Crazy Arnie, made a few wagon-based puns at his expense, and went back to plowing fields and each other.
And that's when the corpses started piling up.
About three weeks after his death, four people reported Paole stalking them ... and then died soon after. You know what happens next: shovel, stake, saw, scorch. The report says the mouth of Arnold's corpse was full of blood, he hadn't decomposed at all, and even creepier, he allegedly groaned when stabbed. Five hasty piles of ash later, everyone could rest easy.
Brand X Pictures/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
Except for Paole's mother, who was not invited to bridge club that week.
Those attributes are as common in corpses as poor life choices at a Gathering of the Juggalos. Mostly they're due to gasses that escape during decomposition. Which, come to think of it, also describes a gathering of the Juggalos. Best to stab them through the heart just to be safe. Hey, it worked for the Serbs.
When mankind mastered 3D printing technology, it was a definitive
sign that the Future had arrived. Finally, we could realize our dreams.
We could make anything, in any shape, at the merest press of a button.
We could almost ... be gods.
Well, that was the idea, anyway. Instead, we're using the hottest thing technology has to offer on stupid crap like ...
Really, it says a lot about human nature that our first instinct at the dawn of groundbreaking sci-fi gadgetry is How can this help me to get high?
Or so you'd think! Japan has taken the 3D printer and created a booming business from scanning your unborn child and printing a copy of it inside a transparent plastic cube. You can use your freshly acquired ghoulish fetal apparition as a bookend, paperweight, or (most likely) the reason your children will stop talking to you by the time they're 10.
From prehistoric art to Chatroulette, human progress always winds up revolving around boners. Why would the technology that actually enables us to create realistic 3D objects be any different?
3D printing is all about the johnson. Male members can be -- and are -- printed in all variations: Your own dong, your partner's dong, and even Dr. Manhattan's dong can be replicated.
And of course it goes beyond mere penises. 3D printers can churn out all sorts of sex toys, from basic dildos and butt plugs to Justin Bieber vibrator sleeves and the Freaky Freud, a bust of Sigmund Freud inexplicably meant for masturbatory purposes.
Still, despite all the horrible crap 3D printers are being used for, we refuse to believe they are a bad thing. At the end of the day, a technology with so much potential for awesomeness can only overcome its obstacles and become the shining star it was always destined to ...
READ MORE
Well, that was the idea, anyway. Instead, we're using the hottest thing technology has to offer on stupid crap like ...
#4. Bongs
Give a man an apple and he'll carve a bong out of it. But give a man a brand new, potentially world-changing technology and he'll use it to create all the goddamn bongs.
Really, it says a lot about human nature that our first instinct at the dawn of groundbreaking sci-fi gadgetry is How can this help me to get high?
#3. Fetus Paperweights
All parents think their baby is the cutest thing in the world. Still, there are times during a child's development that are best left to imagination and blurry ultrasound images. We're talking about fetus time here -- ain't no one wants to see that shit in detail.
Or so you'd think! Japan has taken the 3D printer and created a booming business from scanning your unborn child and printing a copy of it inside a transparent plastic cube. You can use your freshly acquired ghoulish fetal apparition as a bookend, paperweight, or (most likely) the reason your children will stop talking to you by the time they're 10.
#2. Fucking Firearms
The 3D printing community is no different. This manifests in the form of Defense Distributed, a group of loons attempting to create functional firearms parts with the magic of advanced printing technology. While the only pieces they're actually printing are relatively small parts- the lower receiver, that piece is the part of a weapon that holds all the bits most crucial to shooting and actually counts as a firearm under the law. At the moment, their products are still fragile, relatively harmless things. Still, it's chilling to realize that some people, when given the opportunity to create anything, will instantly choose the gunniest part of a gun possible.
#1. Dicks, Dicks, Dicks (ed. note: Links are mostly NSFW)
Don't say you didn't see this coming.
From prehistoric art to Chatroulette, human progress always winds up revolving around boners. Why would the technology that actually enables us to create realistic 3D objects be any different?
3D printing is all about the johnson. Male members can be -- and are -- printed in all variations: Your own dong, your partner's dong, and even Dr. Manhattan's dong can be replicated.
And of course it goes beyond mere penises. 3D printers can churn out all sorts of sex toys, from basic dildos and butt plugs to Justin Bieber vibrator sleeves and the Freaky Freud, a bust of Sigmund Freud inexplicably meant for masturbatory purposes.
Still, despite all the horrible crap 3D printers are being used for, we refuse to believe they are a bad thing. At the end of the day, a technology with so much potential for awesomeness can only overcome its obstacles and become the shining star it was always destined to ...
